long shots

 

 

Like many girls in my town, I had a small softball career. My springs consisted of team chants, sunflower seeds, and being a mediocre catcher. But I consistently got to first base due to my strategic ground ball hit down the third base line. Every time I batted I either got my staple third base line hit or I would walk. I had two strategies to get to first, and they worked each time.

But here’s the thing, I was pathetically afraid of trying anything else. My fellow teammates would swing with everything they had; the ball would fly beyond the fences or be securely caught by the catcher. It was absolute gamble, to put everything into a swing, something I was never willing to do. So, I played five years of softball with a disgusting number of walks and ground ball drives.

Because God forbid I ever swung with everything I had. Ironically, my 10-year-old self did not see youth softball fields as a very forgiving place. And I would never allow myself to fully swing at the pitch lobed over the plate because what if instead of sailing in the air the ball was safely in the catcher’s glove.

I was so terrified of going for a long shot because what if my efforts weren’t enough? Long shots are unpredictable and need everything you have. And I couldn’t bring myself to swing for the fences, swinging for the line of grass along third base was fine with me.

We play it safe. We know our comfort zone. We keep it together when we are actual falling apart. We leave things that should be said unsaid. We fill our schedules to the point we don’t have a moment for our own thoughts, which in a sick way is good. We don’t always ask for help. We hold back, bite our lips, and keep walking.

We do this because of the fear of being vulnerable.

As humans, we hate vulnerability. We numb ourselves to vulnerability. The thought of exposing ourselves is terrifying. We associate vulnerability with words like “weak,” “needy,” “naive,” or “rejection.” The thought of putting it all on the line is physically nauseating for some. Not gonna lie I am tensing up writing this right now.

Let’s think back to our ancestors, who fought each day to survive. You could never put yourself in a position of compromise because there was a good chance that you could die. Like don’t leave the cave after dark, you will become vulnerable to the hungry creatures out there.

But here’s the thing, we aren’t caveman anymore. And our moments of vulnerability will no longer cost our lives. But we still struggle with this exposure of our true selves.

I did a little research, simply asking around, and these are the situations when people felt vulnerable.

Walking alone.

Sharing that they are not as okay as the appear.

Telling someone how you really feel under the street lights in a student parking lot.

Admitting there is a problem.

Asking for help with groceries.

Stating your beliefs.

Raising a question.

Going in for surgery.

Changing majors.

Being emotionally and physically touched.

Airplanes.

Sitting down before an exam.

Waiting for an email or letter.

Taking time to listen to ourselves.

Sending in college applications.

Waiting for a callback from an interview.

Falling in love.

Writing this post.

All of these situations put us in a position of exposure. For we are willingly exposing ourselves to an uncertain response. Our caveman ancestors are like, “What the actual hell are you doing outside the cave?”

We are putting ourselves into the light to be truly seen. And do we really want to be seen for everything that we are?

And the answer is yes. Because allowing yourself to be vulnerable allows others to see your truest and most authentic self, and only then are we completely understood.

Allowing ourselves to be vulnerable is in no manner “weak.” In my opinion, it is the strongest form of courage. The person who willingly puts their heart in their hands is far more courageous than the one who keeps their heart quietly locked away.

I believe my research hero,  Brene Brown, said it best.

“Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy- the experiences that make us the most vulnerable. Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.”

So with that being said,

Speak your mind.

Ask the questions and be vulnerable to the answers.

Apply, apply, apply and apply again.

Walk with confidence and rather than caution.

 

And swing for the goddamn fences

sincerely, Emma