all the waves.

This post has been through the ringer.

Written in June.

Edited in July.

Deleted in August.

Re- created in September.

And finally finished in October.

But I think you will soon see why. It was originally titled “break down and wake up” but I felt too much teenage angst with that. And the first draft was like 600 words. And the original version was so vague, so please enjoy the intimate details, it needed some #relatable content. The best posts take the most time. So thanks for waiting for a lukewarm second.

For those who don’t know me, I live a half mile from the ocean. I grew up flying kites in the fall, seeing the frothy waves in the winter, biking over the bridge in the spring, and having beach fires in the summer.

The ocean has always been home. It is so vast and universal. For the ocean makes you feel alive with each passing wave, and could kill you with the following one. What majestic power.

This past June, I stood ankle deep in the waves, allowing the rocks and sand to continuously rush over my feet. And my God was I looking for some type of inner peace out on the horizon.

I was coming off my maniac month of May, starting with the hardest round of finals I had ever taken, a whirlwind tour of Rome and solo flight home, a 2 week orientation marathon in Worcester, and starting a brand new job lifeguarding.

And with not having a second to think for like five weeks, all the thoughts I pushed away finally rose to the surface, all at once.

“The honda needs an oil change”

“How does one lifeguard?”

“I feel like I just signed my life away to Baywatch…”

“I don’t know how to do a spinal rescue correctly!”

“I am not gonna make enough money”

“I should have found an internship…”

“I haven’t gone to mass in like 3 weeks…”

“What happened to that 100 euro???”

“There is a good chance I left my birth control in Rome… in a hotel run by Spanish nuns… awesome.”

“Was it good enough?”

“Orientation is like over…. “

“Was it good enough?”

“I never showed that family the academic support center… shit.”

“Was I enough?”

“THERE IS A BAG OF EMPTIES IN THE CAMRY EMMA”

“I think my eyes have gotten worse…. awesome”

“Should I keep going to those appointments… ugh I don’t know… it might be a good idea”

“Did I do a good job?”

“You didn’t make dean’s list this semester….”

“Was I enough?”

Andy many more.

I stood there for God knows how long reeling on 6 weeks of thoughts. And I started to contribute my own salt water to the ocean.

And as the tears ran down my face and the horizon got blurry, something shiny on my foot caught my eye.

I love the ocean, but I don’t like anything touching me while I’m in the water, seaweed to people like no thank you. So, when this seaweed clump washed up on my foot, I don’t really know how resisted the urge to kick it back into the surf.

I kneeled down and started to pull the seaweed away from this strange looking bracelet.

And when I pulled the last strand free I gasped. In my hands was a Life of Christ bracelet, where each bead represents a meaningful moment in the life of Jesus. A silver star to represent the Bethlehem star to three black beads representing his passion. If you don’t know what one looks like refer to the picture at the top of this post.

And it was one of those rare moments of being a daughter of a speech pathologist and an attorney, I was speechless.

I have had never seen anything like this wash up, it is usually a stray flip flop and an occasional sand toy.

How many times have I walked, run, swam, sat at this beach? And now, of all the visits does this bracelet washes up literally on my foot.

And suddenly my mind cleared, and I remained kneeling in the water holding this bracelet out with my mouth open. I just could not believe it.

I didn’t go to the beach that day looking for a miracle or some big sign of reassurance. I just wanted a few moments of peace by myself.

But I guess God and the universe had other plans. I got that wakeup call from the man upstairs and or a big “hello” from the universe, whichever higher power you prefer.

Which really speaks to the concept of people, places, things and religious bracelets from the ocean come to you when you are not actively seeking them.

And I prayed and cried a few more times, put that bracelet on my left wrist where it has remained since that day, stood up and walked back to my car.

Now, let me say this, while I did have this incredible moment on a  warm June evening alone at the beach, I did not go and completely alter my life after it happened.

For me, I took this as a sign of reassurance from God, to have faith in my current journey. When I have told this story I’ve gotten asked, “While what did you do the next morning?” and I respond, “Well I got up went to the gym and then to work.” And there is this underlining confusion that I did not like start a non-profit or book a service trip.

But the difference was that this was the first time in like years that I went about my day with a feeling of renewal. I renewed my faith in God and His plan for me sitting in the surf that evening. And a renewed sense of reassurance that what I was doing, studying, healing, traveling, leading and lifeguarding was in fact in His plan. And that I should be following in His plan with love and faith, not comparing and questioning my path.

And that alone was life altering, to have that type of faith restored is something I pray for everyone to experience.

Coming to terms with our space, energy, faith, path, relationships, current mental state is difficult. Like “hello mind, how is you today?” is scary as hell.

It is very easy to push it all away until it is convenient, how many times have we kicked the seaweed back into the abyss of the sea?

And myself, and I can bet many of you, are guilty of this. And it is so easy to compare our paths to our peers, for we live with them, have class with them, we are surrounded by so many different people with different paths it is so easy to doubt our own.

But when the doubts, fears, questions and frustration all comes crashing down on you either by the ocean, in the rain, in a grocery store or your philosophy class allow it to happen. For it is higher power telling you something, and you need to listen.

It would be so cool to find a strand of rosary beads in your bag after or a voicemail from Neil deGrasse Tyson saying to trust that the universe is working in your favor after a serious wake up call, but unfortunately there is no guarantee of reassurance. You sometimes have to reassure yourself; talk to a friend, read a book, go to mass, drive for a while, pray, write, run, or roll out a yoga mat.

When the flood gates open listen listen listen. There is a reason they opened, and you owe it to yourself to acknowledge your own thoughts. Because when you don’t attend  to yourself you cannot fully attend to others and cannot fully contribute to society.  And then pursue onward with either internal or external action.

So my friends be brave.

Allow space for all the waves of thoughts in your life. Don’t run away.

Don’t kick away “the unexpected” when it washes up on your feet. The best things in life are unexpected, and sometimes just need a little seaweed removal.

Be open to renewal, recognizing what is missing, hurting, lacking  is the first step to renewing.

Big signs of reassurance are incredibly moving, but also have the tools and ability to provide your own reassurance.

Attend to yourself to be able to attend to others. For we must contribute to the people and places which embody this world in our highest capacity.

And there is always a plan, either in the hands of God or written in the stars. You matter and are accounted for. Do not doubt your current location in this journey.

“Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go”(Joshua 1:9).

Sincerely,

Emma

p. s comment or text me your wake up call. Maybe this is your wake up call to share it.

Sharing your wake up call is empowering to both you and receiver. no joke.

p.p.s future post suggestions are always appreciated. seriously, writers block is a thing and I need help hahaha